Dear Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now)
Dear Mr. Right (or Mr. Right Now),
We haven’t been properly introduced but I’ve dreamed about you ever since I was a little girl and old enough to wish on stars. You’re my star — knight in shining armor coming to rescue me, your damsel in distress. When we meet, I’ll know it’s you because I’ll be overcome with emotion equivalent to an asthma attack and you’ll sweep me off my feet, tossing me over your shoulder like a fireman…or pirate. I’ll exclaim to my girlfriends that, I’m gonna lasso that man, and marry him! because you give me goosebumps, heart palpitations and even come with joint healthcare!
You won’t need lines, or gimmicks, or routines, because you’ll have me at “HELLO” — actually words won’t be necessary at all. You’ll look deep into my eyes and fall head over heels where you’ll promptly whisk me away to our own private island / chateau in France / winery in Napa. Not only will you be rolling in dough from saving the lives of starving children in Africa, you’ll have made it big during the dotcom boom but have the sensibility to pullout before the Great Recession.
You’ll understand that when I say, “Do you want dessert?” what I really mean is “I want dessert, but I’m too much of a pig to eat it on my own.” But even if I gain 5, 10, 50lbs, you’ll still think I’m sexy and F*able. But please, never when I’m not in the mood…
You’ll throw rocks at my window in the middle of the night to capture my attention and hold a boombox over your head, professing your undying love in the middle of a thunderstorm. You will not be gay. You’ll burst in the chapel and save me from marrying the douchebag standing to my left, because you have the sixth sense to help me even when I don’t know it myself.
And I’ll wait for you because I’m a princess — my daddy told me so! From the moment I could comprehend, I’ve been force-feed feeble tales of Cinderella, Snow White & Pocahontas. The Little Mermaid ain’t got nothin’ on me because I already have both my feet. No flipper babies for us!
So, what do you say, Mr. Right? Let’s go get hitched and ride off into the sunset together…
Yours Forever,
A douchette baguette
Hahaha! I woke up, checked my RSS and was not expecting to read this little story here. Rarely do I laugh out loud before having my coffee, but I did… And I hope that was the intention…
It seems like this is, in one form or another, every woman’s fantasy. Whereas a boy’s fantasy would go something along the lines of flying to a private island being apart of an exotic beach orgy, sipping on fruity beverages all day, and wearing absolutely nothing but banana hammocks. Yes, i’m a simple man with simple pleasures.
You definitely had fun with this one Viv! To you finding Mr. Right
i’m not a boy, but i don’t quite believe that every boy’s fantasy includes fruity beverages…perhaps beer that doesn’t lead to beer guts?
hahaha ok, maybe that was a little too European of me to take it as far as fruity drinks and banana hammocks…
Absolutely, though I lean more towards wine these days, beer works fine in the islands. Fruity drinks tend to have too much sugar. The little bit of sugar added to most breads to work the yeast is plenty for me.
Too good dude! I liked it!!