Good on paper
There’s a phenomenon that happens during online dating, word of mouth dating and pretty much any type of dating where I’m not meeting them face-2-face in person during the round one bout. When hundreds of profiles are available at your fingertips, it’s common to sift through them like resumes — searching for accomplishments and passing judgement based on skill + qualifications. But if you’ve ever been on the hiring side of a job interview, candidates can be “good on paper” and bad in person.
I’ve met boys that go out of their way to tell me they’re “good on paper”. What is that suppose to mean?!? Is he trying to advertise his above average 5th grade reading level? Or is he telling me that he no longer lives with his parents? I can’t help but think that he’s actually looking for a gold-digger, but then becomes sufficiently miffed when the goldfish eats him out of house & home.
Boys tell me that padded bras are the devil’s incarnate because it amounts to a whole lot of false advertising. I hate false advertising too — there’s only so much guesstimating a girl can do with her hands.
Good post, Viv. I think of my online dating process as a set of non-binding decision points. The profile is the first filter, the smell of the bread coming out of the oven as it were. Each loaf goes into one of the “definite,” “maybe,” “probably not,” and “definitely not” bins. After that comes email, with a two-bin sorting: probably and unlikely. Then the phone or (preferred) in-person interview, with similar after-action sorting.
Each round offers the applicant a do-over by showing some initiative and making a good impression. For instance, see somebody’s profile and say that it’s a “probably not” ruling… Well, if they take the initiative and write an email, then the strength of the email can get a reclassification. So, if somebody offers you a real dry southern-style cornbread, you might initially demur. But if they then mention that the bread is warm and they have just whipped up some honey butter? Well, then, it’s on to the next round my little roll!
The mysterious Wink is only good for moving from maybe to definitely, and earning a move to the email round. The wink is like offering to toast the bread. Sometimes that makes dry bread quite satisfying, sometimes it just adds a burnt flavor to the tastes you already don’t want to linger with.
I use a kind of fuzzy logic in my process. Kind of like the reasoning my dog uses to figure out when it’s time to bury her bone and when it’s time to chew on that dirty bone up on the couch. If it’s good enough for my little fuzzy friend, it is good enough for finding my (hopefully *a lot less* fuzzy) new friend. I also believe that no shot should go unanswered, so I even try to respond to winks from “definitely not” candidates with a polite declination missive. The best companies out there show job applicants the same courtesy.
As for the padded bra thing… I prefer the false and temporary misdirection to the various surgical and less-than-surgical misdirections that can exist. If you want evil, it’s the tools of the transgender trade. That’s a loaf of bread that you don’t want to unwittingly bite into.
I can see browsing profiles like resumes. It is a good way to eliminate people that look to be a total mismatch. It’s difficult and time-consuming going through a lot of them. You can still miss some that may work, but don’t look good on paper.
Even when finally getting to talking/interviewing a person f2f, it’s not that easy picking the right one. Where I work, there used to be an initial 6 mo. period when a new person could be let go without specifying a reason. Now, it’s the first year of employment. That’s probably why a lot of companies have started using those personality profiles to find the best fit…now dating sites too.
Nothing’s perfect. There are always things that don’t get picked up whether it be the way questions are asked or the type of day a person is having when they are answering the questions.
It’s good to have some mystery to life, but frustrating when you don’t seem to be getting anywhere.
haha, nice chris…now you’re getting into the bread spirit! but now reading your comments, i feel dating has lost a bit of its spontaneity in your world. has it? or maybe you just have a very organized brain.
no i totally agree, sunsurfer…total mismatches are bad business. i’ve got a list of dealbreakers in dating, and i think everyone should have something like that too — characteristics they absolutely couldn’t live with. but sometimes amongst all this resume flipping, people forget that opposites can attract too! and i only get especially miffed when i see boys pass a girl up based on physical characteristics: curly hair, or dominating nose.
Ha! I wish! I talk a big game, but I fall for all of the tricks… Chicks are just too mysterious, but I’m straight, so I have to try and make sense of them. You (and my ex-wife) are right, I’m too methodical. I’m beginning to think that you are both right. I need to get more spontaneous
I know too well opposites can attract and have enjoyed some bread quite a bit when having it right of me and given a chance to taste it where I most likley would have decided on something else had I seen it on the chalkboard menu in the local bakery. So, yes, what’s on resumé is always taken with a grain a salt and the fact that looks can be deceiving.
I ran across your dealbreakers last week when initially browsing your site and agreed with most of them as I recall. It’s definitely a good idea. Most people have them, imho, even if they haven’t made a list.