Desperate times call for desperate measures. Except women can smell the putrid scent of desperation from miles away. It’s bad business sense to ask an investor who turned you down: “Thanks for your time…but can you recommend  some of your other rich friends that would be interested in this venture?”

Sames goes for dating. Why in the world would you ask a person who just turned you down: “Thanks for your time…but can you recommend some of your other hot friends to me?” If you’re a cool cat, I’ll suggest that anyway. But the reason I probably said no in the first place is because you came off creepy & douchey. Asking me to set you up with my hot friends just confirms the fact you’re both. Don’t do it!

This started me on my journey of blogging and instigated my very first post! It’s been a year since this was filmed and it still cracks me up…enjoy!

And Yes, I know I look like a mess in the still frame shot above before pressing play. But YOU try taking a sexy photo of yourself while mid-conversation point!

Remember that almost crazy blind date that didn’t love America?

I couldn’t bring myself to actually go on a physical date with him because during the middle of our phone conversation I realized I was clenching my teeth and my knuckles had turned white — I was agitated. A higher power intervened and disconnected our cell phones with some heavy static. When he called back to continue our conversation I opted not to pickup. Instead, I sent a polite text message the next day:

I’m going to respectfully decline our upcoming date because all I’d do is argue with you. And that’s not a good place for me to be. Hope you find what you’re looking for.

It was short, simple, to the point and exactly the type of message I’d want to get if roles were reversed. Because I can respect a person who deals with life head-on, instead of the non-confrontational Houdini method of choice boys like subscribing to. However, I was utterly unprepared for the onslaught of words that followed:

1. Sorry you thought we were arguing last night. It was definitely not my intent to “argue” with you. So, I apologize if it came across as arguing.
2. But, I do like to discuss with people what the situation is and get their opinion. So, I thought we were discussing fashion, art, and design market dynamics.
3. That way I sometimes learn a new perspective…or other people learn a new perspective. I thought we were just dicussing the dynamics of fashion, art & design.
4. But, I must have conveyed the discussion poorly because you thought we were arguing. So, my apologies about that. I feel bad for making you feel that way.
5. I love to meet new people and learn new perspective, and we were discussing perspectives last night.
6. But discussing perspectives, I generally find that you’ll have a range of perspectives that differ. Then, you’ll find a range of perspectives which are similar.
7. So, somewhere there are also similar perspectives. So…if you prefer not to meet, I understand. But, I think it’s always fun to meet new people.
8. Who knows, maybe I can set you up with somebody you might life. I’ve set up about approximately 50 dates for friends in the last 2 years. Anyways…let me know.
9. Have a great day!

NINE text messages. In a row. I had to shut off my phone because I was in a meeting. Besides my own practical safety of not wanting to meet a crazy, I’m not sure I’d want to be setup on a date by a crazy. Because crazy people befriend more crazies and I’m crazy enough as is.

Fun. Positive. Upbeat.

That’s my goal, all the time when I meet people. But if cute, sexy, and funny want to come along for the ride, that’s cool too. I purposely choose descriptors that I can change in a heartbeat and one of my secret weapons in achieving this goal — tone of voice.

Most communication specialists will agree: It’s not what you say, it’s how you say it. Supposedly the statistic is 55% body language, 38% tone of voice, and 7% words. This must be why, boys are consumed with texting because by taking away 93% of the equation, all I’m left with are empty words. And ever since third grade when a baffled bread roll exclaimed: “You sound like a boy!” I’ve been hyper-aware of the sound of my voice ever since. With all the cheeky boyish charm I could muster at age 8, I replied: “I don’t sound like a boy, YOU sound like a GIRL!”

While it’s true that everyone is born with a particular voice, there’s a lot you can do to improve the tone. A steady even breath calms the shakiest of nerves while deeper voices hold more credibility than their high-pitched squeaky counterparts. One of my favorite things to do is hold a conversation while I’m falling asleep. And as my eyes get heavier, the last thing I remember is the lilting tone of their voice.

Truth is, I earned one of my bachelor degrees entirely on self-portraits. You don’t get through years of self-portraiture without taking some racy photos of yourself. But mine were always classy and just like my writing, very tongue-in-cheek.

In this day of information technology, nothing’s ever really deleted and nothing’s ever lost. Naked photos of yourself will come back to bite you in the ass — make sure you show off your best cheek. However, sex tapes will make you famous, à la Kim Kardashian. So, if you’re going to jump off the bridge because all the rest of the cool kids are doing it, here’s a tiny bit of advice: bag it. Cover that beautiful money maker face of yours in that scandalous photo. Because when its passed around the table o’friends, you can deny Deny DENY that it’s you.

Turkey day has come and gone, and I’ve got the texts to prove it! Because on Thanksgiving, I received text messages from a few different slices of bread — all wishing me a gobble gobble good day. I was feeling the love. But then it hit me, what if it’s a fake text?!? What if…I’ve been mass texted?!?

I’m sure you’ve heard that corny line: Don’t hate the player, hate the game. I effing hate the player AND the game — even the texting game. Because in the same time it takes to craft a sweet little message: “Happy Thanksgiving” it begins to wield the wordy weight of mass destruction when he presses SEND to his entire iphone black book. I’ve now become suspicious of all generic sounding texts. Even something initially sweet: “happy thanksgiving babygirl” has me thinking that he’s papi chulo-ing it all over the ‘hood. What happened to an old fashioned phone call?!? Because I give good phone.

It really comes down to being specific. I would love personalized messages every time I get a text. It’s really not rocket science, and here’s my quick n’easy formula:

• Greeting. Hey [insert name/nickname/pet name here]
• Personalized Message. Happy Turkey Day. Wish I could be there for some yummy tryptophan naptime.
• Purpose. Let’s have a picnic with the leftovers. I’ll bring the bread.

Just make sure after you go to all that trouble of personalizing a perfect message, send it to the right person. Being on the wrong end of someone’s cupcaking gives me the heebeegeebees: “Heeey Angela. I’m thankful for meeting you and…”

There’s entire schools of dating that say death to coffee dates. I vehemently disagree. Because I love coffee. I mainlined the stuff during college and it still makes regular appearances in my life every morning. It’s even good for you — it lowers your risk of diabetes, Parkinson’s, and colon cancer. Basically, it’s my number two food group after bread.

Here’s the common gripes I hear about coffee dates:

• Coffee dates usually happen in the day, and people aren’t hooking up in broad daylight. This date didn’t magically appear on your calendar. Hopefully you had the balls to grab the dykey bull by its horns to propose: “Let’s go on a date.” You can easily follow that statement with: “Anytime after 5ish works for me…”

• It’s too casual…so it’s unclear that it’s a date. If you’re not making your intentions known throughout the date then you’re wasting time. Who cares if the ambiance is casual? Because 97% percent of Americans own at least one denim item and the average woman has seven pairs of jeans in her wardrobe. So, deep down, we kinda dig (dark denim) sexycasualcool.

• There’s no alcohol, and I need some liquid courage. Bailey’s goes great with coffee. If you’re jonesing for the harder stuff and the kitschy-bohemian-cozy-sofa-coffeehouse you’ve picked doesn’t serve liquor then be prepared to whip out a shiny flask from your inside coat pocket. Sure, it might say: “I’m an alcoholic” but it also means you’re thoughtful enough to share your secret stash with me — and that’s kinda sweet. But seriously, if you need alcohol on a date…you’ve got bigger issues.

Here’s another lesser known fact about coffee dates. There’s a link between the physical warmth of a handling a hot cup of joe that can change one’s attitude toward a stranger. A warm cup = perceived warm personality. But if you’re positively sure your personality is smoking hot, then live dangerously — go for ice cream.

Even thought I might date less in cold weather, it doesn’t mean I’m meeting fewer people this time of year. Because holiday season = holiday parties. That means wiping the mothballs off that shamefully tight cocktail dress and crashing any holiday party I can.

When I’m meeting new people, I usually opt for the easy kosher answer — a handshake. Mainly because it works in all situations and equally well for boys and girls. So it surprises me how many people can not give a decent shake to save their life. Like your appearance, it’s a form of non-verbal communication that speaks volumes about your personality. A limp wrist leads me to believe that other appendages suffer from the same malady. In other words, keep a stiff upper lip and strong firm hand — they’ll be none the wiser. On the other hand, a crushingly tough hand conveys pure hostility and not in the cool confident alpha sorta way.

And if you’re really good you can punctuate the handshake with some yummy eye-contact…while asking me to dance.

There’s something I’ve noticed lately while on dates — the multiple choice test. At first I thought it was a fluffer-nutter fluke. But I chalk it up to the wide-spread frequency of standardized testing in America. Anyone with a high GPA and low SAT score will tell you: “Hey, it’s not my fault…I just don’t test well” and while I can see your head nodding in agreement, it is not okay to say: “Hey, it’s not my fault…I just don’t date well.”

A few weeks back I was on another nerve-racking first date. We were both selling ourselves like crazy, but neither party was ready to buy. However, I truly enjoyed his company so when he asked: “Would you rather a) call it a night? or b) have one more drink and then call it a night?” I obviously choose b…because it goes great with bread & boys.

If you’ve ever played the statistics game during a multiple choice test, then you’ll know you should always guess if there’s no penalty. And if there’s a whole bunch of questions you don’t know the answer to, stick to a single letter — you’ll have a better chance of hitting the jackpot. And by the way, I always bet on black.