I landed myself a seriously crazy blind date. However, a half-hour before our scheduled coffee date I received an urgent text message: “Call me, please!” It’s never good sign when the first words out of his mouth are: “I’m sorry…” I was being stood up by a boy that had never even met me! He apologized profusely and pushed for rescheduling everything one week later. I accepted because deep down, I believe everyone should be given a second chance.

When he called a few days later for a “getting to know you” phone conversation, I started to believe he had gentlemanly potential. There are several taboo subjects that the majority agrees are “off-limits.” Typically, it’s a good idea to stay away from the heavy hitters: sex, politics, and religion. After cordial pleasantries were exchanged: “How was your weekend?” He launched straight to the meaty stuff: “I believe Americans are a sexually conservative people. In Sweden, it’s common that children talk about their first sexual experience with their parents…”

I thought the topic was an odd choice, but I played along until: “Americans should travel to other countries because they’ve really got it together…and San Francisco isn’t as creatively conscious as…Los Angeles. If you really want to do creative work, you should move to Los Angeles. It’s a socially stifling atmosphere up here in the Bay Area, girls who dress provocatively are labeled as sluts, whores, and hootchie mamas.”

It’s rare that I have to ask this question in the dating process, but I had to whip it out: “Do you LIKE America?!?”

Because not liking America, that’s a dealbreaker.

There’s entire schools of dating that say death to coffee dates. I vehemently disagree. Because I love coffee. I mainlined the stuff during college and it still makes regular appearances in my life every morning. It’s even good for you — it lowers your risk of diabetes, Parkinson’s, and colon cancer. Basically, it’s my number two food group after bread.

Here’s the common gripes I hear about coffee dates:

• Coffee dates usually happen in the day, and people aren’t hooking up in broad daylight. This date didn’t magically appear on your calendar. Hopefully you had the balls to grab the dykey bull by its horns to propose: “Let’s go on a date.” You can easily follow that statement with: “Anytime after 5ish works for me…”

• It’s too casual…so it’s unclear that it’s a date. If you’re not making your intentions known throughout the date then you’re wasting time. Who cares if the ambiance is casual? Because 97% percent of Americans own at least one denim item and the average woman has seven pairs of jeans in her wardrobe. So, deep down, we kinda dig (dark denim) sexycasualcool.

• There’s no alcohol, and I need some liquid courage. Bailey’s goes great with coffee. If you’re jonesing for the harder stuff and the kitschy-bohemian-cozy-sofa-coffeehouse you’ve picked doesn’t serve liquor then be prepared to whip out a shiny flask from your inside coat pocket. Sure, it might say: “I’m an alcoholic” but it also means you’re thoughtful enough to share your secret stash with me — and that’s kinda sweet. But seriously, if you need alcohol on a date…you’ve got bigger issues.

Here’s another lesser known fact about coffee dates. There’s a link between the physical warmth of a handling a hot cup of joe that can change one’s attitude toward a stranger. A warm cup = perceived warm personality. But if you’re positively sure your personality is smoking hot, then live dangerously — go for ice cream.

There’s something I’ve noticed lately while on dates — the multiple choice test. At first I thought it was a fluffer-nutter fluke. But I chalk it up to the wide-spread frequency of standardized testing in America. Anyone with a high GPA and low SAT score will tell you: “Hey, it’s not my fault…I just don’t test well” and while I can see your head nodding in agreement, it is not okay to say: “Hey, it’s not my fault…I just don’t date well.”

A few weeks back I was on another nerve-racking first date. We were both selling ourselves like crazy, but neither party was ready to buy. However, I truly enjoyed his company so when he asked: “Would you rather a) call it a night? or b) have one more drink and then call it a night?” I obviously choose b…because it goes great with bread & boys.

If you’ve ever played the statistics game during a multiple choice test, then you’ll know you should always guess if there’s no penalty. And if there’s a whole bunch of questions you don’t know the answer to, stick to a single letter — you’ll have a better chance of hitting the jackpot. And by the way, I always bet on black.

Who hasn’t indulged in a little liquid courage now and again, especially on a palm sweating first date. Here’s a word of advice, booze is a bummer. One drink is dandy, but anymore and things get randy. But maybe you like ‘em easy and loose. Be nice and remember to hold back her hair while she’s making left hand turns driving the porcelain bus — she’ll love you forever.

Think about the consequences. Overconsumption of booze, and boys get boisterous, aggressive, and generally man-handle anything in sight. Girls aren’t much better; they get sloshy & sloppy, roofy & raped, and generally get the short end of the stick with infectious diseases. Personally, I tend to drink under the cover of night. Mainly because my asian glow blends better with candlelight dinners and long walks on the beach.

If you’re one of those that needs a drink to help loosen the lips pre-date, post-date, or heck, during the main event there are better choices. No need to show off your oral skills with tongue twisting drink names. Simple is sweet. I never trust a boy that orders fruit flavored concoctions. I’ve said this once, and I’ll say it again, beer goes great with bread and boys. I’ve been known to order a cold one in the middle of a sake bar. If you’re worried that beer is too low-brow for your carefully crafted image, then add some class. Drink it…pinkies up.

After dinner with the girls we decided on drinks and headed towards one of my favorite dive bars — the kind where the floor’s slightly sticky from spilled alcohol, there’s a moose head on the far wall, and the bartender calls everyone “honey”. Between beers we caught up on each others’ lives and since it’d been forever since I had quality girl bonding, I was completely consumed with the conversation. My girlfriends kept having to point out that my phone was flashing with text messages from the boy every 15 minutes — he was stuck in the Marina for the rest of night and if I wanted to meet up, I’d have to find my way across the city.  Maybe destiny needed a kick in the butt, so I asked my friend to give me a ride across town, to a bar I’ve never been, to meet a boy that liked to sniff my hair two minutes into a date.

Stepping downstairs into the crowded joint, I was overwhelmed by the sheer amount of people. I took a deep breath and walked in. With searching eyes I scanned the room and spotted him leaning casually against a wall. I positioned myself directly in his line of sight and broke out in a ear-to-ear smile. He greeted me with a giant hug like he’d been waiting for me the whole night.

The rest of the date was a bit surreal. It included: sitting in the middle of a street for that getting-to-know you conversation, splashing in frozen puddles (made of the ice thrown out by bars/restaurants late at night), and sharing ice cream in 50º weather. Sometimes you don’t needs plans to make a great date happen because if you click with the right person, everything just kinda falls into place.

So you scored your first date. Now, who pays? Truth is, I generally stay away from dinner dates at first meeting so the bill is never more than $20-30 for a round of drinks (Yea, that could sound kinda pricey to some of you out there, but the Bay Area IS expensive). There’s a whole set of other reasons I stay away from dinner on the first date including: the inherently un-sexy nature of having someone watch me while I shovel food into my mouth, the speed in which I can put away a three-course meal, and what if they’re vegan?!?

A couple of weeks ago, I was on a first date at a neighborhood wine bar (his choice). He obviously knew the staff and was probably a regular. The conversation flowed easily and when he got up to use the bathroom, I noticed the bill had arrived. I sneaked a peek at the cheque, but since we only had one glass each, it was easily under twenty bucks. I pulled out my plastic and felt confident I could squeeze out a second date later, and he’ll just get the next round. I was surprised when I held out the bill to the server I got a two second blank stare. Then he spoke, “You know you can wait for him to get back…” HUH? Did the bar staff think my date would give a better tip than me? I was thoroughly confused.

Tons of discussion can be found on this subject. Women still only earn 78 cents for every dollar in America. If you want to get technical about it, whip out the iPhone and do the math. But let me say, that would be seriously not cool. Some advocate that whoever asks is the one who pays. Pretty much I’ve got one rule. I bring enough $$$ to get me through the date. If its truly bad, I can put down my share and bolt.

• Dress the part. Think of it as the best version of yourself ever. I’m not saying put on a suit and tie, but even before a single “hello” comes out of your mouth, your date has checked you out, given you the once over (and maybe undressed you) all in the span of 3 seconds.

• It’s all in the preparation. I don’t believe in pre-written scripts and you shouldn’t either. Know yourself. Most interviews have similar basic questions. You’re probably going to be asked about your past job, past projects, your ability to work well with others, your hobbies or interests. Over 80% of my first dates have asked about my musical tastes, what I like to do for fun, what type of foods I enjoy…I like to keep my answers interesting, never one word answers. Focus on the positive and it doesn’t hurt to smile.

• Communicate like you mean it. Good conversation is the key to a good interview. Great conversation during a first date usually means I’m game for seconds. Back in college I read that people who speak with their hands are perceived as more honest and create an overall positive image. So, I signed myself up for a course in Italian. I’ve watched the Godfather enough times to know those people like to gesture when they talk. A year later, gesturing during conversation is second nature.

• Is this a good fit for me? Okay. Most of my points above are about trying to spin the date in a positive direction. It’s just as important that you’re listening to what the other person says. Not every job is a perfect fit and neither is every person. That’s okay. I’ve been trying to find the perfect pair of jeans since 1994.