Remember that almost crazy blind date that didn’t love America?

I couldn’t bring myself to actually go on a physical date with him because during the middle of our phone conversation I realized I was clenching my teeth and my knuckles had turned white — I was agitated. A higher power intervened and disconnected our cell phones with some heavy static. When he called back to continue our conversation I opted not to pickup. Instead, I sent a polite text message the next day:

I’m going to respectfully decline our upcoming date because all I’d do is argue with you. And that’s not a good place for me to be. Hope you find what you’re looking for.

It was short, simple, to the point and exactly the type of message I’d want to get if roles were reversed. Because I can respect a person who deals with life head-on, instead of the non-confrontational Houdini method of choice boys like subscribing to. However, I was utterly unprepared for the onslaught of words that followed:

1. Sorry you thought we were arguing last night. It was definitely not my intent to “argue” with you. So, I apologize if it came across as arguing.
2. But, I do like to discuss with people what the situation is and get their opinion. So, I thought we were discussing fashion, art, and design market dynamics.
3. That way I sometimes learn a new perspective…or other people learn a new perspective. I thought we were just dicussing the dynamics of fashion, art & design.
4. But, I must have conveyed the discussion poorly because you thought we were arguing. So, my apologies about that. I feel bad for making you feel that way.
5. I love to meet new people and learn new perspective, and we were discussing perspectives last night.
6. But discussing perspectives, I generally find that you’ll have a range of perspectives that differ. Then, you’ll find a range of perspectives which are similar.
7. So, somewhere there are also similar perspectives. So…if you prefer not to meet, I understand. But, I think it’s always fun to meet new people.
8. Who knows, maybe I can set you up with somebody you might life. I’ve set up about approximately 50 dates for friends in the last 2 years. Anyways…let me know.
9. Have a great day!

NINE text messages. In a row. I had to shut off my phone because I was in a meeting. Besides my own practical safety of not wanting to meet a crazy, I’m not sure I’d want to be setup on a date by a crazy. Because crazy people befriend more crazies and I’m crazy enough as is.

There’s a phenomenon that happens during online dating, word of mouth dating and pretty much any type of dating where I’m not meeting them face-2-face in person during the round one bout. When hundreds of profiles are available at your fingertips, it’s common to sift through them like resumes — searching for accomplishments and passing judgement based on skill + qualifications. But if you’ve ever been on the hiring side of a job interview, candidates can be “good on paper” and bad in person.

I’ve met boys that go out of their way to tell me they’re “good on paper”. What is that suppose to mean?!? Is he trying to advertise his above average 5th grade reading level? Or is he telling me that he no longer lives with his parents? I can’t help but think that he’s actually looking for a gold-digger, but then becomes sufficiently miffed when the goldfish eats him out of house & home.

Boys tell me that padded bras are the devil’s incarnate because it amounts to a whole lot of false advertising. I hate false advertising too — there’s only so much guesstimating a girl can do with her hands.

It’s kinda interesting that eHarmony.com makes you take a gigantic personality profile test. I think it’s a fabulous idea to know what makes you tick before trying to find your better half. Recently, I had to take a personality test for work and I’ve been reading about myself for the past two weeks non-stop because it’s surprisingly accurate.

Apparently, I’m rare — 2-5% of the population kinda rare. I’m also a natural born leader (i.e. I have bigger balls than you do) with all the suave + charm of a cult leader. But in my defense, the people of Rome loved Julius Caeser! He used his power to make Rome a prosperous, open, and trustworthy place to live — that’s exactly what I do in relationships.

But then I noticed a very odd trend in my personality profile. Of the 10 notable personalities that I fall in line with, only two are women. One is a lesbian, and the other took various stands against her own sex. I’ve been told that I’m intimidating by both boys + girls. It’s because I’m not afraid to bite and most people don’t really want to date someone that intimidates them. So, unless I want to go into the dominatrix business, I’m screwed. Wait. On second thought, I wouldn’t even be screwed properly IF I was a dominatrix because it’s all about keeping the slave an arm’s distance away.

And in case you were wondering, if you’re breaking skin when biting you’re doing it all wrong.

I’m seriously beginning to believe that the art of conversation is going the way of the dodo bird. Because you and me…

We need to talk.

Did that sentence send chills down your spine? Are you frozen with fear? When your significant other whispers those four little words, does your stomach take a turn for the worse? Because all I’m asking for is a little conversation.

This is reason why I despise online dating and favor meetings in the flesh. Because I want the butterflies, the stolen glances, and the pregnant pauses in conversation. Somewhere along the line people forgot what good conversation could bring. It enhances any situation — job interviews are fun and even peace treaties are signed.

Back in the day, the saying was:

Men want to marry a woman who is a chef in the kitchen, a maid in the living room, and a whore in the bedroom.

But honestly, nowadays, you can hire the first two and just focus on being the third. Heck, you can probably hire all three! It’s less about conforming to the every mold. Each girl wants a boy she can, “have a conversation with…be on the same wavelength…I want him to get me.” These words are the new black. However, be wise with your words because I once read, “a pick-up line is as rude as a pinch on the butt, pushing for intimacy, yet leaving choice to the other person.” Don’t unclass yourself by giving a line, strive for the conversation.

After my last post on rapists and serial killers, you’ll understand I’m not going to jump at every random message that appears in my mailbox telling me that I’m some combination of funny-sexy-cute. But I’m a sucker for witty words, funny banter, and clever repartee full of sexual innuendo — most girls I’ve met are. That’s why Penthouse forums is actually written for women, because all the pretty photos are for the men. So, when a mild-manner engineer boy, messages me repeatedly and we exchange enough words to fill a mini novel, it was time to take things to the next level — meeting in person!

I bent one of my personal first date rules for this soiree and agreed to have dinner at a cute little Italian place that has a nifty question mark at the end of its name. The restaurant would be neutral territory — like Switzerland, located in a city equidistant for both parties. I thought we’d have a lot to talk about since we had furiously emailed back and forth for the past week. I gave him my crest kid brilliant smile and tested the conversation waters, “How was your day?” He replied, “Good.” I waited patiently for his conversation 101 skills to kick in. He could have easily tossed the same question I asked back to me. So, after counting to three in my head, in case he was one of those types who crafted sentences before speaking, I forged ahead pretending he did ask me the same question…and this was the tone for the rest of the night. For every story I told, I ran into a wall of monosyllabic answers. Sometimes he’d mix things up a bit and stare for a few minutes. Where was the quick wit, the dry humor, the personality?!? I silently cursed myself for bending my no dinner first date rule, and practiced smiling with my eyes for the rest of the evening.

As far as dates go, this one was excrutiatingly bad. And this was already giving online dating a second chance. Round one ended shortly after noticing he used a stock photo for his online profile. ‘Nuff said.